How To Build Emotional Intimacy

The Importance of Emotional Intimacy

Have you ever had an experience where you’re with someone you love, maybe sitting across from your partner at dinner?

You can see them, hear them, you could even reach out and touch them if you wanted...

...but somehow, you feel miles apart.

That feeling of disconnection is often a sign that there’s a lack of emotional intimacy, and I LOVE helping people with this aspect of relationships. I’m going to share five ways to improve that connection I use with couples almost every day.

Emotional intimacy is essential for healthy, fulfilling relationships. It provides a sense of closeness that makes partners feel valued, understood, and able to rely on each other during good times and bad. Partners in emotionally intimate relationships are bonded by empathy, caring, support and mutual understanding at the deepest level.

Take our CARE & Intimacy Quiz by clicking on the link below to find out what area of your relationship (if any) you need to work on to build more emotional connection!

Intimacy and 

Differentiation of Self

Before diving into the good stuff and tips on how to build emotional intimacy, I find that it's usually always important to understand the theory of human relationships that I work from. As a family systems therapist, with nearly a decade of experience working with couples and families, my go-to is an idea called Differentiation of Self – it's a cornerstone of family systems therapy that I teach in my YouTube videos and in sessions with clients.

At its core, differentiation of self is about maintaining your individual identity while being in a relationship. It involves separating your Thoughts, Feelings, and sense of Self from Others. If you're on my mailing list, you'll know I refer to this as S.O.F.T.

In a healthy relationship, two differentiated people can maintain their individual identities while being close and connected.

When this differentiation is lacking, boundaries become porous, couples tend to overlap, losing their sense of self and that's when intimacy and connection starts failing.

The Tale of Two Couples: Differentiated vs. Undifferentiated

Imagine two different couples: one highly differentiated, the other struggling with differentiation. Here's how they experience their relationship:

The Differentiated Couple

• Maintains clear boundaries between their thoughts and feelings
• Recognizes that their emotional experiences are separate from their partner's
• Can stay connected while allowing space for individual growth
• Expresses themselves clearly: "I feel sad" rather than "You make me sad"
• Curious about their partner's different perspectives
• Can disagree while staying emotionally connected
• Manages anxiety independently without automatically absorbing their partner's stress

The Undifferentiated Couple

• Struggles to separate their emotions from their partner's
• Often uses "we" when really meaning "I"
• Assumes they know what their partner is thinking or feeling
• Becomes easily overwhelmed by their partner's emotions
• Has difficulty maintaining individual interests or viewpoints
• Tends to either merge completely or distance themselves when stressed
• Shares anxiety and stress automatically, amplifying both partners' distress

For example, when facing a challenge, an undifferentiated couple might say, "We're stressed about this situation," assuming both partners experience the stress identically. A differentiated couple might instead share, "I'm feeling anxious about this, how are you feeling?"

This difference in differentiation dramatically affects emotional intimacy. Undifferentiated couples often experience what seems like closeness but is actually emotional fusion – they're so intertwined that true intimacy becomes impossible. Without clear boundaries between self and other, they can't truly see and appreciate their partner as a separate individual.

In contrast, differentiated couples can achieve genuine intimacy because they remain distinct individuals who choose to share their experiences while respecting their differences. They can be both close and separate, creating a dynamic where true emotional intimacy can flourish.

6 Easy Tools To Build Emotional Intimacy

Six Essential Ways to Create Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship

As a couples therapist with over a decade of experience, I've seen how emotional intimacy forms the foundation of every strong relationship. Learning how to build emotional intimacy with your romantic partner isn't just about creating positive feelings—it's about forging a lasting emotional bond that deepens your intimate relationship in meaningful ways.

Many couples I work with spend time together physically, perhaps even scheduling regular date nights, but still feel disconnected. The good news is that building emotional intimacy is a skill that can be learned. Here's my tried-and-tested relationship advice for creating deeper emotional connections, developed from years of helping couples transform their relationships.

"Drop In" – Connect with Deeper Emotions

Many couples excel at sharing thoughts but struggle with expressing feelings. For instance, saying "I thought the last episode of Bridgerton was great" is different from "I was moved by last night's episode of Bridgerton; it left me feeling hopeful and nostalgic."

Watch out for phrases like "I feel like" or "I feel that" – these usually mask thoughts rather than express genuine feelings. True feelings statements use actual emotion words: "I feel lonely" instead of "I feel like I'm always alone."

"Tune In" – Practice Active Listening

Active listening means giving your partner the gift of being understood. Instead of listening to formulate your response, listen to learn and understand. This doesn't have to be complex – sometimes it's as simple as acknowledging your partner's feelings with "I hear that you're sad" or asking "Help me understand what's making you sad."

"Check In" – Reflect What You Hear

After listening, verify your understanding by reflecting back what you heard. For example:

• Partner A: "I feel overwhelmed and exhausted when I come home and have to do the dishes."
• Partner B: "So you're feeling tired and overwhelmed at the end of the day when there's a mess in the kitchen – is that right?"

This verification process ensures accurate understanding and creates space for clarification if needed.

"Move In" – Speak from the "I" Position

Avoid using "we" statements when expressing feelings or attitudes. Instead of saying "We had such a great weekend," try expressing your personal experience: "I really enjoyed our weekend together." This allows space for different perspectives and experiences within the relationship.

Direct communication is also crucial. Rather than saying "We should go on a date this week," try "I'd like to plan a date with you this week. When are you free?"

"Dig In" – Look Beneath the Anger

When expressing difficult emotions, particularly anger, try to dig deeper to understand what's beneath the surface. Instead of saying "I'm angry about the dishes in the sink," consider what's driving that anger: "I feel overwhelmed and alone when I come home to a messy kitchen." 

"Shift In" – Choose Words That Connect

Be mindful of words that might contain hidden accusations. For instance:

• Instead of "betrayed," try "hurt"
• Instead of "abandoned," try "lonely"
• Instead of "deprioritized," try "unimportant"