"What Should I Talk About With My Girlfriend?"Aug 07, 2022
Five Question Topics To Ask Your Partner On Your Next Date
You can scroll down for the script of questions you can ask your partner or read the entire blog to know what you should talk about with your girlfriend / partner on your next date.
I've been seeing "Jimmy" (not his real name) for a few months in my private practice, when out of the blue he asked me "What should I talk about with my girlfriend?". I was a bit taken aback at first because Jimmy has not problem finding things to talk about with me, we have discussed his partner and their relationship dynamics, we talk about work a lot, and have began dipping our toe into his Family Of Origin, and what his first relationships were like.
"What Should I Talk About With My Girlfriend?"
With a little unpacking of the question, I came to realize that Jimmy was really asking me for advice on what conversations he should be having with this partner regularly to improve their relationship. Like most people who care about their partners enough to be concerned as to ask their therapist what to talk about, Jimmy wanted to find a way to have constructive conversations around their relationship. This is essentially what interpersonal effectiveness is about- not just the ability to make conversation, but the skills to ask about how the relationship is going. There are two aspects to a conversation with someone you care about- the content - ie topics of interest, and also the process - how it's going between us
The Five Best Things To Talk About With Your Girlfriend / Partner
Knowing what topic of content to talk about is what is going to get the door open to connection. These are topics that will feel good for your partner to discuss, especially when you show a real and genuine curiosity about what they are saying.
Take it from a professional, people LOVE being shown curiosity about what they love and what they are interested in. If you take interest in any thing that a five or six year old is doing whether it be playing make-believe or painting, you will be that child's best friend. Adults are not that much different, we delight in the attention that another human being expresses in us, it makes us feel warm and connected to them.
- What do you do in your spare time?
- If you had $1000 and you had to spend it on yourself, what would you do and with who?
- If you didn't have to work ever again, what would you do with all your time?
Asking about friends, and who is who in someone's friend group is another way of expressing interest in someone's inner world and life. Friends can be an extension of our self in some ways, so getting detailed questions in or any curiosity will feel good. One of my favorite questions to ask a child in therapy is 'who did you sit next to at lunch?'. For some reason they love this question, and I imagine it's to do with being curious about seemingly insignificant events that actually mean a lot.
- Who in your friend group are you closest to?
- Who in your friend group are you most similar to? Who are you most different from?
- Who is going to hear first about how this date went?
3. Family / Growing Up
There is nothing more personal to us than our formative years growing up. Any curiosity you can extend into what your partner's childhood was like will go a long way. Remember you're just listening, and asking more follow-up questions, so don't feel like you have to add a commentary or respond with anything other than empathy and another question.
- What was your relationship like with your parents when you were a kid?
- Who were you closest to in your family?
- How has this changed over time?
4. Favorite Memory
This is a bid of a Jedi-mind trick insofar as asking it will likely generate warm feelings as they recollect the experience and memory. In a way you are transferring those positive feelings from the past into the current relationship and there's a chance you will get some warm feelings directed towards you as well.
- What's the most precious memory you have from your childhood, and would you share it with me?
- Why was this your most special memory?
- What do you think it means about you that you remember it so well?
5. Personal Dreams / Goals
This is a really intimate question that might cause a bit of anxiety, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But asking someone what their goals and hopes are for the future shows a real care and interest in someone that ultimately can feel very attentive and supportive.
- What would you like to accomplish in your career or personal life?
- What does your vision of the future look like? And be as ridiculous as you want, this isn't an interview!
- Where would you most like to travel to in the next three years?
Things To Talk About With Your Partner That Will 10x Your Relationship
The list above contains some good content to talk about to direct the conversation, but to level-up your relationship, particularly if you've been seeing someone for a while, I highly suggest you surprise your partner with a weekly check-in such as the one we offer at My People Patterns. If you're not sure what you should talk about with your girlfriend or partner, then this is a structured format for questions that does the heavy lifting for you.
This Check-List has four main goals and over time will shift your relationship by targeting these relationship dynamics:
Gratitude- We have all heard how gratitude can shift your mental perspective, but studies are showing that a regular gratitude practice is a game changer when it comes to relationships.
Communication - Direct communication and the use of 'I' statements is so important in relationships, they lower the chances of conflict and reduce defensiveness.
Accountability: Without follow-up this exercise is just talking. The Check-In Check-List has built into it a way of ensuring there is a system in place to review your progress towards goals.
Integrity: Integrity is doing the things we say we will do - making our words match our actions. The feedback the Check-List generates, along with accountability, create integrity and trust in the relationship.
You can find out more about the Check-In, Check-List here or by watching the video below.
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