Why You Are Constantly Fighting in a RelationshipJul 01, 2022
If you are constantly fighting with your partner, and want to change the relationship dynamic to a healthy one, consider if you're trying to change each other. This is, in my experience, one of the major paths a couple can take that ends a relationship. Murray Bowen, one of the main contributors to Family Systems Theory outlined an idea he dubbed the nuclear family emotional system, which outlines the three ways that couples can reduce relationship discomfort - the first of which is the these are the conflict-and-distance pattern.
The idea that conflict is about reducing anxiety seems absurd, but the theory makes a lot of sense when you think about the anxiety that comes from discovering our differences and the agitation that might cause us on a deeper level of thinking.
We seem to go through a pattern when dating people, the most familiar is the Honeymoon Phase in which we seem to only be able to see all that we have in common and are skillful at not seeing any red flags or differences. Once this phase passes there's an instinct that comes up to minimize the differences we have by teaching or showing the other person our point of view.
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