4 Kinds Of Questions Every Family Therapist Asks (And What They Do To Help).

Have you ever had an experience where you ask a question and, when you didn’t get the answer you wanted, you ask it differently, only to get a completely different reaction?

One way you asked opened up the conversation, while the other led to a dead end.  

I used to think that was about the family, or how much coffee I’d had, but it's actually about the type of question, and knowing the difference is a bit of a game-changer.

Every question you ask in a session is doing one of four jobs, and this week I'm splitting them apart, showing you what each one actually does to the room, and handing you five ready examples of each so you can start choosing on purpose instead of stumbling into it.

TLDR: There are four kinds of questions a family therapist asks, and the wording has almost nothing to do with which one you're asking. What separates them is what you're trying to do (orient yourself, or move the family) and what you assume is going on underneath the problem (a straight cause, or a loop). Get clear on both, and you get to choose your effect instead of stumbling into it. Five example questions per type are included so that you can use this in your next session.

REMINDERS

• Listen to the newsletter podcast episode here and I'll explain how to use it if you're on the go, driving to work or walking the dog. Find the podcast on Spotify, Apple and Amazon by searhing for 'Family Systems In 15 Minutes'
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1 Linear Questions: The Detective Move

Linear questions orient you, get you answers, or confirm a straight cause-and-effect assumption. You're playing detective, chasing down who did what, when, and why, until you can name the cause of the problem.

They're often the questions you ask first because you want facts like names and ages. Most families arrive already thinking in straight lines, so asking who's depressed and how long it's been going on gives you a fast, familiar way in that makes people feel at ease and gets you information. These types of questions fit how the family already sees their own problem; they are the sort of questions they expect you to ask, and they work well for a minute.

The Catch:

The family already thinks in straight lines, and asking too many of these questions over too many sessions won't give them any new ways of thinking, and will obviously limit the data you’re able to collect.

They mostly encourage people to restate what they already believe or know; even worse, they give the vibe that you’re hunting for "the cause" of a problem, which tends to load sessions with judgment. A long list of linear questions gets you a tidy list of symptoms and complaints, but nobody in the room is any different for having answered them.

Examples:

• "What problems brought you in to see me today?"
• "How long has he been feeling this way?"
• "Did something happen that started it?"
• "Are there any other symptoms I should know about?"

2 Circular Questions: The Exploration.

Circular questions also orient you, but they run on a looping assumption instead of a straight one. You're playing explorer now, not detective, hunting for the pattern that connects everyone's behavior into a loop.

With the same family, you'd ask who worries the most about the husband, what the wife does when she's worried, and what he does when he sees her worrying. Somewhere in those answers, the pattern starts to become clearer.  She worries, he withdraws further, she worries more, and you’ll see the problem keeps running because each reaction feeds the next one.

The beauty of naming the loop out loud, rather than blaming or cause and effect, delivers a more neutral, less blaming atmosphere in the room, and family members often hear their own part in it for the first time as they answer.

Examples

• "Who worries the most about him?"
• "What does she do when she's worried?"
• "What do you do when she shows you she's worried?"
• "What does your father do when you and your mother talk about it?"
• "And when he goes to bed, what does your mother do next?"

3. Strategic Questions: The Correction Move

Strategic questions have an answer already built into them. Instead of asking to find something out, you're asking to move the family toward a specific change, based on a hypothesis you've already formed about what's keeping them stuck. Linear and circular questions keep you in the position of learning about the family. A strategic question shifts you into trying to influence them directly.

A strategic question sounds like asking the wife why she doesn't talk to her husband instead of the kids, or asking the Dad when he's going to take charge of his life again. The direct answers to both of these are irrelevant; it’s not why you’re asking them. These questions are designed to get people to act differently or modify behaviors.

The Catch:

Using these too often can feel oppressive, like an interrogation, and the most common side effect is guilt or shame. Families can feel cornered into agreeing with you rather than actually shifting, and the alliance takes the hit.

Examples

• "Why don't you talk to him about your worries instead of going to the kids?"
• "What would happen if you asked him to take on one small responsibility every morning this week?"
• "Can you see how staying in bed is what's leaving your wife so frustrated?"
• "How come you're not willing to try harder to get him up?"
• "When are you going to take charge of your life again?"

4. Reflexive Questions: The Mirror Move

Reflexive questions also aim to influence the family, but they don't come with a specific answer built in the way strategic questions do. Instead of leading the family toward a change you've already decided on, the question is designed to get them thinking about their own situation differently so that they can reach their own answers.

A reflexive question sounds like asking the wife what she imagines her husband would do if she actually told him how worried she'd been, or asking either of them how their lives would look if the depression just disappeared tomorrow. They are questions to encourage introspection and self-reflection.

This is the type of question that tends to open space rather than close it down, which is a different job from all three of the others. Linear questions tend to conserve what the family already believes. Circular questions liberate them from it. Strategic questions constrain them towards new behaviors. Reflexive questions are the one built to move a stuck family forward without you having to push.

Examples

• "If you told him how worried you've been, what do you imagine he'd do?"
• "If there was something he was holding back for fear of hurting you, how could you show him you could take it?"
• "If this depression disappeared tomorrow, how would your lives be different?"
• "Who in this family would be most ready to make the first move?"
• "Suppose nothing changed for another month. What would you do differently anyway?"

Next time a session stalls and you're not sure what to ask, notice which of the four your last few questions came from. If they've all been lineal, that tells you what your default setting is. Try one reflexive question from that list instead, and watch what happens to the room.

If you try swapping question types this week, I'd love to hear how it landed. Hit reply and tell me which type surprised you the most.

Until the next time,

Oliver