The Most Dangerous Dynamic In Romantic Relationships?

During this week's consultation group, a rather interesting dynamic was discussed, and we examined the idea of what happens when couples become too close and, as a result, set up a rigid boundary with the outside world.

There’s obviously nothing wrong with feeling close and connected to your partner, but in some relationships, a certain dynamic shows up that’s utterly fascinating, and potentially harmful.

House Keeping!

• You can listen to this newsletter as a podcast and I share some of my experience with a case that this reminded me of.
• Apple Spotify Amazon - under 'Family Systems In 15 Minutes
• You can watch it on YouTube too 
• But if you're a member of The Family Systems Collective, this is old news because it's where I put videos up first and share the handouts that go with it.

1 Here's What You Missed:

Understanding this Bonnie and Clyde dynamic comes down to understanding family rules, and the basic premise is this:

Would a defiant teenager living with and growing up with their parents still be defiant if they could magically be the same person in a different household?

I believe the answer is most likely no, and I could even say they would appear entirely different, since what gives rise to this teenager's 'defiance' is partly due to the rules of the house, not just personality or genetics.

Picture then that all relationships and families are based on a number of unspoken rules which regulate behaviour to a greater extent than any one individual's personality alone. These rules include those concerning who is to speak to whom, who has authority, which topics are acceptable and how close people can get, not just the rules regarding bedtime and curfew.

The dynamic that came up in the consultation call was a documented but quite rare relationship that has developed the general rule of

"The world is the enemy, and we are all we have."

What that implies is that when you go against the rule you end up being punished (typically emotionally).

• The other person sees it as a betrayal if one partner places trust in a friend or a sibling or if they disagree with the other in front of that person, which is why the two usually only talk to each other.
• Children are only permitted to stay in their parents' family if they are like the parents and obey the rules; if a child attempts to become different then they become a symptom or are treated as an unwanted guest.
• Intimacy arises as a result of a mutual dislike of something that is outside, or because of a perceived external threat.
• Their mutual suspicion and distrust of others account for the difficulties, which is why the couple are always certain the problems must lie with them, not with us!
• They do not tolerate differences and often get treatment whenever their desire for both individuality and togetherness is at its height.

2. Hypothesis: The Five Ps

Problem | What is going on between people?

• The presenting problem is usually an outside threat they find destabilizing. The working hypothesis is that the threat also gives the couple a shared job and brings them together even if that means they’re fighting more.
• They reinforce one another in their perception of the outside world as dangerous, so it is necessary to go beyond anger and consider whether there is fear (real or imagined).
• They support each other at the same time as keeping the differences between them to a minimum. When outside involvement takes place there can be a great deal of conflict between the partners, and any attempts to alter or to leave the relationship are regarded as destabilizing.

Process | How does it happen now?

• There are cases in which couples will talk to one another as if you're not present, or they'll speak so softly that you can't hear them. It may happen that your comments are seen as an intrusion and that they could become angry with you or simply ignore you.

Patterns | What repeats over time?

• The power alternates repeatedly. When one partner collapses the other comes in to rescue them, but the rescuer's frustration then causes the first partner to be pushed away once more.
• Alternatively, you will notice a pattern of external involvement which results in increased conflict between the two partners and thus makes it more difficult for them to tolerate change or differences. I think that was what was going on in the case we discussed.
• The loop is completed when they turn towards each other in order to find comfort from that external threat.

Proximity | How much room is there

• Very close inside, sealed off from the outside.
• You’re looking for that rigid boundary around the couple, so look for the couple that does everything together, works together, and doesn’t have much relationship with their family and few friends.
• Children can be included in the bubble or left out of it, which means that this isn't always concerned with adult romantic relationships, since family therapy might be involved.

Power | Who shapes what happens next

• It is a pair exhibiting a pattern of asymmetrical escalation — by triggering responses that are equal from the other person they attempt to regain power when they feel that they have lost it.
• Control is shown in the form of distance, threats, or by means of withdrawal, and the person who is most upset usually determines the subject of the session.
• Keep in mind that saying 'if you leave me I'll kill myself' is not only a tactic used to gain power over the other person but also highly destabilising, disturbing and generally upsetting to the relationship.

3. How To Handle It?

The concept of having family rules is that they aren't a diagnosis but rather ways of looking at situations, so they should be regarded as thinking tools not as diagnoses. If the guiding principle of this relationship is that 'we remain connected by seeing things the same way', then before taking any action we must take into account both the rule and the consequences if someone attempts to change it.

• Can a difference be discussed?
• Does disagreement end the conversation?
• Can outside information be considered without being treated as disloyalty?
• How flexible is the relationship when changes occur?

The first thing to do is to find out whether the therapist is able to accept anything you say or if they immediately reject it; one sign of success would be that they listen to you without rejecting any advice or assistance.

That in itself is a big challenge, so perhaps I’d think about pointing out the ways that you can’t help, or the times when you’re pushed out or talked over. Obviously,, this would have to be done in a non-reactive, calm way so you don't come across as another hostile outside force.

It's a long-term commitment, so don't go about stating the rules at once; you won't be able to apply them until after a lengthy trial period, during which time you will actually be on trial.

The rules will only receive a name once you've established a certain amount of trust. Again, you can expect to be 'on trial' for a long time.